I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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