What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
