I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize