i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
