dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
