Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
