Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
