Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We need to rekindle our bromance
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
