It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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