If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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