Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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