Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
