ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
