I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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