Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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