textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
