It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
