Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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