i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
