Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The uberlube is also flammable
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
