forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
