dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
