I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize