Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
