I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
