we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
