You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize