My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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