he thought i was a dude.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
