My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
