His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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