I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
