Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
ttyl tear gas
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize