I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
