update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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