he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
