i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
