farters have to be the big spoon...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
