ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
