In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
