Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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