Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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