Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize