it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
