Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
