If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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