She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize