im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
