Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
