The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
