Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
