She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I had to cum in my sink.
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