I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
