i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So many bounce houses so little time
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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