"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
