I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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