Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
