Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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