Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize