Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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