Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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