Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
