someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
