This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
