he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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