Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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