i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
