I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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